I lost my virginity on M.R.’s waterbed December 26, 1994, with Freebird playing on his stereo

I sing Johnny Cash songs in the shower.

I only know 3 women I truly trust

I have a crush on the guy from “Dirty Jobs.”

I enjoy giving more than getting.

I’ve written bad checks to buy new shoes when I’m broke and depressed.

I steal cable.

I don’t brake for children, cats, or Jesus

Sex with conservatives is better.

I don’t recycle.

I cheated on my 12th grade Honor’s English paper and got an A+.

I online shop at work when no one is looking.

I have no idea what the tattoo on my left ankle means.

I flirt with old married men.

I prefer dogs to people.

I loathe couples that jog together and fantasize about tripping them.

I love Will Smith movies.

I’ve never kissed a girl and never want to.

I see you staring at me and I like it.

I’m a slob.

John Denver songs make me cry.

Size does matter.

Taco Bell kicks ass when you’re high.

I wish I would have worked harder at my marriage.

I don’t really get Monty Python.

I dream about eating ice cream a lot.

I’m a fucking sap.

I still sleep with a blankie.

I judge people.

I smoked a whole pack of cigarettes today.