DC Damsel

Remember the Friends episode when Monica and Rachel and Phoebe decided to cleanse themselves of all the asshole men they’d dated by burning mementos from failed relationships in the middle of the living room?
I actually considered doing that recently.
I had my mementos all picked out.
A Notre Dame t-shirt from the “I love you but I [...]

If I were a boy…
I’d play golf badly while wearing stupid pants.
I’d puff long and hard on cigars and act like it wasn’t the least bit phallic.
I’d sip single malt and go all in before the flop on the floor of the Venetian when just a week earlier I was nursing a Mike’s Hard Lemonade [...]

In honor of his, fifth, yes count em, fifth heart attack, I’ve decided to salute former vice president and 2010 CPAC hero, Dick Cheney, by proclaiming to the world (or at least the half dozen folks who read this blog) my top five reasons I’d fuck Dick Cheney:
1. Halliburton Hunk: Despite his many years of [...]

The longer I’m alone, the more I find myself scrambling to gain my single girl footing as I approach certain dates on the calendar. Trying to decide how I am going to spend Valentine’s Day makes me want to down percocet and pinot, chased with a chilled shot of Pepto and sleep to the next [...]

There are a number of differences a girl encounters when dating men of varying ages. Some prefer the careful comfort of a May-December romance while other ladies don’t bat a lash at cultivating a cougar status. As a woman in my 30s, I enjoy men of multiple maturity levels and have dated men as green [...]

It’s been a long while since I believed in Santa Claus. I was the last kid in my fourth grade class to concede that Old Saint Nick was merely a figment of my parents’ well-meaning but rather manipulative imaginations. Why would my trusted mother make up such an immensely complicated lie? Whose bells were actually [...]

1. I have less to write about now that I don’t date on a regular basis. What if angst is the only emotional state that allows me to say something the slightest bit meaningful? The dilemma of a minor league sob story. I’m an emotional vampire and my food supply has atrophied.
2. I fall in [...]

My friend Dave once told me that breaking up with his ex-girlfriend was harder than having her simply up and die on him.
At first I thought that a bit harsh, but once he explained it to me I came around.
A mourning period is more acceptable when someone croaks than when they simply clean out the [...]

For as long as I can remember, I’ve compared myself to other women.
I’ve placed a large percentage of my self-worth on my physical appearance
The bathroom scale can determine whether my day will be good or bad
No shiny surfaces go unchecked for stray hairs
Or visible panty lines
Embarrassing blemishes
I have a self-rating system for how presentable I [...]

Filling open spaces with empty gestures.
That’s how I’m choosing to sum up my 10 days back in the DC dating sphere.
Two official dates with a lovely Scotsman who I’m desperate to feel something more for than friendly admiration.
One night spent with an ex who doesn’t qualify as a former boyfriend but kisses like a frequent [...]