I of course steal the term from that distressingly long racially charged cable news infomercial from a few months back that all ended merrily at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue with a few beers and a few uncomfortable looking white men.

My own teachable moments have been for the most part, less poignant, vital to our nation’s interest, and in less impressive settings than the White House lawn. That said a good many of them have involved beer and uncomfortable white men, but that’s neither here nor there.

The following list consists of a few of the teachable moments that have stuck in my gullet as of late:

Self Medicating Equals Artistic Genius
Cheap Pinot Grigio and cold medicine can only do so much damage to one’s writer’s block. But I’ve had a hell of a time trying to knock down the proverbial wall.

It’s The Little Things
The unpleasant girl down the hall who I avoid talking to at all costs lost her father to cancer 2 months ago. Last night she found out her mother had died suddenly at 56. From now on, I hold the fucking elevator door when I hear her coming.

Liz Phair Really Did Get It Right (#10 on Exile in Guyville)
Most boys chase you until they fuck you. A few of them like you enough after they fuck you to spend the night. A few of them hated you even before they fucked you and leave one precarious navy blue sock behind for you to remember them by. And far too many of them will never like you or fuck you no matter what you do.

Monkey See?
If the chronic masturbator who lives across the courtyard catches you watching once, he’ll never draw his blinds again.

Thou Shalt Not Covet…
One night can change the whole landscape of a friendship. Sometimes it’s worth it, sometimes it’s not. I’m leaning towards the latter. But I’ll never regret that kiss. Never.

You Can’t Teach An Old Dog New Tricks
I’ve extracted myself from the dating scene for at least 6 months now. I just couldn’t take it anymore. The rejection, the disappointment, the bar tabs split down the middle (if I had known I was paying for myself, I would have opted for the good vodka).

Unforgettable, That’s What You Are
There are some men who’ve been a part of my life for the most fleeting of moments that continue to make indelible impressions on my mind and on my heart. Every man I meet will be measured against them, until someday I find a man immeasurable. If only my ladder were as high as my hopes.

The Grass Is Always Greener
Sometimes the field is fertile. Sometimes it ain’t. Sometimes I shit rainbows, with buckets full of paint.

With Love Comes Fermentation
(In a drunken text message a few weeks ago) I told my friend Jen that heartache and wine have an awful lot in common. You take fruit in its most orgasmic of states… juicy, creamy, wet, and drunken, age it a bit and what are you left with? Bitter berries and a lip curling residue of what once was. Now all I can hope for is a refrigerated discount and an awkward lay.

Sad Songs Say So Much
The same songs that elicited crocodile tears when I was 17 years old, still have the same pathetic effect on me now. Hey Jude reminds me of Tobin. Romeo and Juliet remind me of Rolf.  Tangerine reminds me of Remmy. Slip Slidin Away reminds me of my marriage. Comfortably Numb reminds me of Ben. And Thunder Road is still awaiting a muse.